Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?!

Posted on November 1, 2003

Cindy wrote: I received this email today from a guy I had never had any contact with. He said he hopes I'm not offended or embarrassed by it... boy, would he die of embarrassment if he knew it was the one bright moment in my day... Laughter is the best cure for what ails you! Subject: Gotta say something... Hi, look this is probably REALLY tacky of me, but I've just gotta say a few things to you. Please, forgive me for being so bold and please read right to the end. If not today, then print it and read it on the weekend. 1. You are attractive, but your photo doesn't do you justice. You look like you have a pretty face, but it doesn't show that way in your photo. You should: a. Login as a guy and see what other girls are doing to enhance their attractiveness. It's always a good idea to use a bit of flair in your photo. Toss your hair and get a good photo in the sun with your hair flying around your face. Put on a vampish expression, look coy or mysterious. Take a bunch of pics, then ask a MALE friend which one makes you look most vampish, which one makes you look mysterious, which one makes you look intelligent, etc. Your current facial expression makes you look boring -- is that what you were going for? b. You must re-write your Identity Headline, or whatever the Ad title is called. Please don't be offended, but you sound desperate. The idea behind these message boards is Just and Only to make a connection -- the assumption has to be that absolutely nothing more than a couple of dates will come of it. If you -- even for a moment -- dream that your Prince Charming is out there typing away at a keyboard, you're going to come across too heavy and scare the bejeebers out of the guy. Be interested, but not TOO interested. Stay on top of things, but don't respond instantly or follow-up too quickly. Usually about 12 to 24 hours is a safe reply window. c. Give your ad text a make-over. Never be negative or whiney (your headline is -- but please, don't be embarrassed -- I've been guilty of that myself. This is all a learning experience). Be upbeat and positive. State clearly what qualities you are looking for in a guy -- "breathing" isn't a quality. d. Be the agressor, don't wait for him to come to you. That's not New Millennium... But if he doesn't respond after one email, don't try again. Instead, figure out WHY he didn't respond. Here are some clues: 1. Your pretty enough, but your photo isn't very flattering. Make it flattering! PAY a photographer to take some great photos of you -- ask him for suggestions, ask his advice (he's a guy). Choose a HANDSOME photographer, one who you would see dating beautiful women. Ask him to capture you in the BEST possible moment. Be very up front with him what you are doing, but don't be all embarrassed and giggly... that's so weak... So, ask his advice on a few different ideas/poses, then give him a job to do -- the job of capturing you in the best possible moment. CLOTHING IS ALL IMPORTANT HERE. The right clothing will turn Jane Hathaway into Angelina Jolie or Ashley Judd. For you, do not wear a white top or light pastels -- wear bright colors. Bright, royal blue (like my shirt in my photo) would go great with your blond hair. 2. Re-write your ad. Look at what the other girls write, then patch all the best ideas together into one kick-ass ad. Keep it brief, but exude confidence. Don't throw out a weak or corny joke... Don't quote what your friends say about you -- are you worth getting to know or aren't you? If you are, then tell the guys why! 3. Use paragraphs in your text. At the end of a paragraph, type this: If you don't do the things that I'm advising you to do, you are either lazy or self-destructive. And when you go out to meet a guy... 1. YOU be the one to end the evening, after 1/2 hr to an hr. YOU set the time limit ahead of the first meeting -- you call the shots. If you say an hour, then at the end of that hour VERY POLITELY and GRACIOUSLY excuse yourself, say it's been great meeting you, and then tell him (or don't) that you'd like to call him again. Make sure you have his tel number. YOU be in control, rather than waiting for God to deliver someone to you giftwrapped and pleased to see you. 2. I perceive that you use humour to compensate for embarrassment. Stop it. Your jokes are weak and make you look weak. Instead, go for wit... wit is usually directed at something the other person says or does, so it is responsive in a sense. But don't fall back on sarcasm -- the difference between wit and sarcasm is that sarcasm puts the other person down. That's so no class... I sincerely - HONESTLY - hope that nothing I said above is in any way offensive or embarrassing to you. If you had seen my ad when I first starting looking... whoo boy... You would think I'm lying. Right now I'm getting the results that I wanted from my ad, but it took a helluva lot of work and preparation. But lady, it was worth it. Instead of choosing from two or three ladies (and I wasn't even getting THAT kind of success at first), I've got 10+ that I am interviewing now. (I only wanted to meet four or five, but new girls just keep emailing me -- and they are all the best ones that are emailing me!) But you heard me right: interviewing. I'm looking for someone to wake up beside for the next 45 years -- she damn well better be one incredible babe... Anyways, I've ranted and raved for far too long here. It looks like I'm chewing you out, or arguing with you, but that's totally not true. I'm being quite emphatic and authoritarian because I want to shock you into action. So... Go do it... Start with the photo... No - start with a written, point-form plan. Then go do it. Happy reelin' 'em in!

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